If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
