Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
