ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
