were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
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Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We have so much sex to catch up on
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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