There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
