and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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