i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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