so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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