yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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