i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
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New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
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You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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