Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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