She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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