ya dads aren't the best wingmen
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
