I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I intend to get homeless drunk
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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