I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
