Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
