i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
