And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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