Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
