Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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