I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
