I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
