My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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