We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
