You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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