Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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