...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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