Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm too high and old for this...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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