If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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