He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
