You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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