So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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