Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
