I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
