Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
