Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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