In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
