New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
