Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
