Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
