So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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