Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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