her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Operation Purity has been aborted
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
