...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
