I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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