i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize
