I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
