i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
