I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
