My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
