I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize