I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
