she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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