she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
