true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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